Author’s Note: I originally meant for this piece to be a comedic “Shakespearean Tragedy” spoof, but the more I showed it to people who’ve worked on AAA game development teams, the more I would hear sad/relatable sighs from these poor souls. So at this point, I’m going to call this piece 95% reality and 5% exaggeration for comedic effect. I hope you all don’t find it to be too relatable!

Act I: Game Announcement

INT. DAY. The setting is in a stylish yet sterile tech company meeting room. Likely located in Downtown Seattle, or Bellevue, maybe Redmond. Everyone is bright-eyed and optimistic—for now.

MANAGEMENT: This game is going to have EVERYTHING. Riveting online battles filled with intricate strategies. An engrossing and branching story mode. Beautiful and cutting-edge graphics. The world is our oyster.

ART: Here is a bundle of previsualization art! It is meant for internal review only, but—

MANAGEMENT: Let's jump the gun and show this to the Internet!

ART: Ah, bullocks.

GAME DESIGN: Comrades, I come bearing many new game features! Behold, the first one is a sweet and delightful side quest that unlocks after the main character triggers her first weapons upgrade!

ART: I have sketched many concepts for the main character's special buster sword/rifle/lighter/boyfriend.

GAME DESIGN: [hardly containable] I have just thought of 13094091 more features we should add.

ENGINEERING: Those all sound nice, but we need to seriously pare down the scope of this project if we want to have something playable in the near future.

GAME DESIGN: I reduced my must-have list to 5 main features!

ENGINEERING: Oh, marvelous! Thank you for compromising.

GAME DESIGN: The 5 main features contain 13094091 subfeatures!

ENGINEERING: Okay, but do you see how that's exactly the same thing as before—

MANAGEMENT: Let's jump the gun AGAIN and show this to the Internet!

ENGINEERING: MOTHERF—

MARKETING: HEY EVERYONE WE JUST ANNOUNCED A TENTATIVE RELEASE DATE!

ENGINEERING: [muttering, while coding furiously] I'm just going to stop talking now, it's not like anyone listens to an effing word I say anyway—

QA TESTERS: Everything is broken. We are sorry.

ENGINEERING: [impassively] Thank you for the bug reports. Thank you for the 8194729 new Jira Tasks.

[END SCENE]

ACT II: It’s Still Not Out, We Don’t Know What It Is

MANAGEMENT: The Public has been losing faith in our project ever since we delayed our game for the third time. What say ye, knaves?

MARKETING: [forcefully] The Public still believes, I am sure of it. We announced a NEW RELEASE DATE at PAX West. We showed them a new Trailer! We even gave them a Vertical Slice!

ENGINEERING: 80% of that Vertical Slice won't make it into the final game. At this point, the Trailer is false advertising.

ART: Aye, the Trailer that I toiled upon for many a night, with nothing but the soft glow of my Cintiq to illuminate my darkened alcove. What does sunlight feel like, I wonder? What do the birds sound like this time of year?

ENGINEERING: [looking up towards the sky] We will never know; such luxuries are for free men.

MANAGEMENT: OH HEY, we decided to change everything about this game fundamentally. It's a MOBA now.

MARKETING: But... but does The Public even WANT that? We showed them a Battle Royale, what will we tell them now? An updated RELEASE DATE, at the very least?

ENGINEERING: Any RELEASE DATE we give will be willful deceit. [sighing deeply] Do you not see the truth, my sweet summer child?

ART: My friend, we are not in Beta.

QA TESTERS: We are technically still in Pre-Alpha.

MARKETING: [eyes widen] Y-You mean to say...

ART: [solemnly] There is no RELEASE DATE.

QA TESTERS: [stoically] There will never be a RELEASE DATE.

ENGINEERING: We. Are. In. DEVELOPMENT HELL.

MARKETING: [resignedly, brokenly] We are in DEVELOPMENT HELL.

[END SCENE]

ACT III: Endless Crunch Mode

MANAGEMENT: So uh, we're switching to a different game engine. [pauses] Also, there are free donuts in the break room.

ENGINEERING: [falls to the ground] I... I feel faint.

ART: I have mentally prepared for this day. I will repurpose, resize, and reexport all 291450 art assets. 'Tis a dull, thankless task—I must have done something in a past life to deserve it.

ENGINEERING: [weakly] My spirit is crushed, and my body is failing.

ART: You ought to rest, my friend. And mayhaps, consume a liquid that is not Red Bull.

ENGINEERING: I definitely need to consume another Red Bull.

GAME DESIGN: Comrades, this could well be a blessing in disguise! A fresh start, a new beginning! I can beget many new features now that we have a more powerful game engine—

ENGINEERING: NO.

GAME DESIGN: B-but—

ENGINEERING: NO NEW FEATURES.

GAME DESIGN: I bring you nothing then. This shall be a featureless game. :c

ENGINEERING: Good.

——————

QA TESTERS: Here is a level bug. Here is a logic error. Here is a graphics glitch, and—

EVERYBODY: HERE IS MY RESIGNATION.

[END SCENE]