Game Development Life Cycle: A Three-Part Tragedy / Comedy

Author’s Note: I originally meant for this piece to be a comedic “Shakespearean Tragedy” spoof, but the more I showed it to people who’ve worked on AAA game development teams, the more I would hear sad/relatable sighs from these poor souls. So at this point, I’m going to call this piece 95% reality and 5% exaggeration for comedic effect. I hope you all don’t find it to be too relatable!

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Act I: Game Announcement

INT. DAY. The setting is in a stylish yet sterile tech company meeting room. Likely located in Downtown Seattle, or Bellevue, maybe Redmond. Everyone is bright-eyed and optimistic—for now.

MANAGEMENT: This game is going to have EVERYTHING. Riveting online battles filled with intricate strategies. An engrossing and branching story mode. Beautiful and cutting-edge graphics. The world is our oyster.

ART: Here is a bundle of previsualization art! It is meant for internal review only, but—

MANAGEMENT: Let's jump the gun and show this to the Internet!

ART: Ah, bullocks.

GAME DESIGN: Comrades, I come bearing many new game features! Behold, the first one is a sweet and delightful side quest that unlocks after the main character triggers her first weapons upgrade!

ART: I have sketched many concepts for the main character's special buster sword/rifle/lighter/boyfriend.

GAME DESIGN: [hardly containable] I have just thought of 13094091 more features we should add.

ENGINEERING: Those all sound nice, but we need to seriously pare down the scope of this project if we want to have something playable in the near future.

GAME DESIGN: I reduced my must-have list to 5 main features!

ENGINEERING: Oh, marvelous! Thank you for compromising.

GAME DESIGN: The 5 main features contain 13094091 subfeatures!

ENGINEERING: Okay, but do you see how that's exactly the same thing as before—

MANAGEMENT: Let's jump the gun AGAIN and show this to the Internet!

ENGINEERING: MOTHERF—

MARKETING: HEY EVERYONE WE JUST ANNOUNCED A TENTATIVE RELEASE DATE!

ENGINEERING: [muttering, while coding furiously] I'm just going to stop talking now, it's not like anyone listens to an effing word I say anyway—

QA TESTERS: Everything is broken. We are sorry.

ENGINEERING: [impassively] Thank you for the bug reports. Thank you for the 8194729 new Jira Tasks.

[END SCENE]

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ACT II: It’s Still Not Out, We Don’t Know What It Is

MANAGEMENT: The Public has been losing faith in our project ever since we delayed our game for the third time. What say ye, knaves?

MARKETING: [forcefully] The Public still believes, I am sure of it. We announced a NEW RELEASE DATE at PAX West. We showed them a new Trailer! We even gave them a Vertical Slice!

ENGINEERING: 80% of that Vertical Slice won't make it into the final game. At this point, the Trailer is false advertising.

ART: Aye, the Trailer that I toiled upon for many a night, with nothing but the soft glow of my Cintiq to illuminate my darkened alcove. What does sunlight feel like, I wonder? What do the birds sound like this time of year?

ENGINEERING: [looking up towards the sky] We will never know; such luxuries are for free men.

MANAGEMENT: OH HEY, we decided to change everything about this game fundamentally. It's a MOBA now.

MARKETING: But... but does The Public even WANT that? We showed them a Battle Royale, what will we tell them now? An updated RELEASE DATE, at the very least?

ENGINEERING: Any RELEASE DATE we give will be willful deceit. [sighing deeply] Do you not see the truth, my sweet summer child?

ART: My friend, we are not in Beta.

QA TESTERS: We are technically still in Pre-Alpha.

MARKETING: [eyes widen] Y-You mean to say...

ART: [solemnly] There is no RELEASE DATE.

QA TESTERS: [stoically] There will never be a RELEASE DATE.

ENGINEERING: We. Are. In. DEVELOPMENT HELL.

MARKETING: [resignedly, brokenly] We are in DEVELOPMENT HELL.

[END SCENE]

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ACT III: Endless Crunch Mode

MANAGEMENT: So uh, we're switching to a different game engine. [pauses] Also, there are free donuts in the break room.

ENGINEERING: [falls to the ground] I... I feel faint.

ART: I have mentally prepared for this day. I will repurpose, resize, and reexport all 291450 art assets. 'Tis a dull, thankless task—I must have done something in a past life to deserve it.

ENGINEERING: [weakly] My spirit is crushed, and my body is failing.

ART: You ought to rest, my friend. And mayhaps, consume a liquid that is not Red Bull.

ENGINEERING: I definitely need to consume another Red Bull.

GAME DESIGN: Comrades, this could well be a blessing in disguise! A fresh start, a new beginning! I can beget many new features now that we have a more powerful game engine—

ENGINEERING: NO.

GAME DESIGN: B-but—

ENGINEERING: NO NEW FEATURES.

GAME DESIGN: I bring you nothing then. This shall be a featureless game. :c

ENGINEERING: Good.

——————

QA TESTERS: Here is a level bug. Here is a logic error. Here is a graphics glitch, and—

EVERYBODY: HERE IS MY RESIGNATION.

[END SCENE]

That Hot Thing You Want is Either Avoiding You, or is a Literal Fire

Author's Note: I am considered "Bilingual," even though I can barely express myself in English with words instead of memes. I speak fluent American English (Detroit / Midwestern dialect) and Mandarin Chinese. People often tell me that I am an excellent Translator. Still, it always strikes me as HILARIOUS how much languages can differ when it comes to humor and slang. There are more English slang words for money than I can count, and the English word for "fire" (which is my favorite Chinese character: 火) ALSO means more things than I can keep track of.

Even though I've lived in Seattle for over SEVEN years, I STILL can't decode much of what Seattlites say, let alone what the heck their intentions are. (Sorry Seattle, but I only speak Detroit, where the people are tough and mean what they say.) If you stick around to the very end of this audio recording, you'll hear some off-the-cuff comments about the frustration of translating between Chinese and English!

The setting is at a fairly fancy pool party for the cool people of Seattle. Everybody is schmoozing and having a good time. A native Seattlite is speaking with a newly released, highly impressive A.I. / robot that is the toast of the party.

HUMAN: DAAANNNG, that girl is ON FIRE! I didn't know she could get that hot! I kinda wanna throw her into the pool, though, since she snubbed me.

ROBOT: That would be inappropriate. People are not fires, and you should not throw water on them, OR throw them into water.

HUMAN: But like, what if I really, really, REALLY want to do it?

ROBOT: Irrelevant. You should not throw water on people. It is rude, and they will be upset with you.

HUMAN: But what if they're, like, really really HOT?

ROBOT: Irrelevant. They have not reached the internal temperature of an actual fire.

HUMAN: Well yes, BUT sometimes they BEHAVE like a raging garbage fire. Does that count?

ROBOT: Did they deliver a sick burn?

HUMAN: Oh yeah. I'm covered in sick burns. They were way harsh.

ROBOT: Your skin will be fine. Your ego and self-confidence will never recover.

HUMAN: So um, Sempai hasn't noticed me at all for 6 whole weeks—

Robot: SILENCE! Stop talking like a piece of weeb trash, or I will be forced to throw you into a literal garbage fire.

HUMAN: I mean… Hey, if that's what it actually takes...!

ROBOT: The FIRES OF THE WORLD are judging you so hard right now.

HUMAN: So I have a bunch of hot fires judging me. Whatever! Things could be worse.

ROBOT: You should be more careful, or else you will get burnt many more times. The FIRES OF THE WORLD are throwing a party later this week, and you are not invited.

HUMAN: Dang. That hurts my feelings. :C

ROBOT: There, there. It would be too hot for you to handle.

*Additional author’s commentary at the end of the recording.

The Stages of Creating a Piece of Artwork on a Tight Deadline

Stage One: I am in a perfect position to succeed. My client is pleased with my proposed thumbnails (and why wouldn't they be?), so they have all been approved. Freedom is mine! Choices abound; the opportunities are endless! Verily, there is nary an obstacle in sight!

Stage Two: I have consumed four cups of coffee - for reasons purely associated with efficiency and NOT chemical dependency. I am a person of my word. I am young and hopeful. There is time yet for a Netflix movie or three.

Stage Three: I always knew that being an Artist Of My Word would bring pain someday, and that is why I have come prepared with a massive collection of queued-up podcasts. These podcasts will surely rejuvenate me. If not, there is always caffeine.

Stage Four: I have consumed thirteen cups of coffee. I am now at 97% Optimization. Two more podcasts and I will be at 99.9% Optimization. Sleep is out of the question.

Stage Five: It appears that I have forgotten how to hold a pencil. I'm not sure if I've ever drawn a proper thing in my life. What IS art, anyhow? Who is to say that life itself is not a work of art? Whom am I trying to please, if not my own sense of righteousness?

Stage Six: Oh, right - the client. They have asked me for 27 revisions as politely as possible, as soon as possible. I didn't want to sleep anyway.

Stage Seven: @#$%

Stage Eight: Are we human? Or are we denser? I think we're denser than this piece of dry toast I'm eating for - oh what is it now? Brunch? Lunch? Sad dinner? At this point, it's just drawing fuel. I am an art machine that runs on college food and last minute panic. I had pocky for breakfast, bacon for lunch, and popcorn for dinner. My drawing hand is moving steadily, irrespective of my motives or brain capacity. How then, can it possibly be a lie when I text you, “it’s nearly finished,” when I wish so deeply for it to be true?

Stage Nine: I can no longer identify the tangents in my drawings. I flipped my canvas horizontally, and everything became instantly worse. My life became instantly worse.

Stage Ten: HERE IS THE ART YOU WANTED, FOR I AM TRUE TO MY WORD. I'VE ATTACHED IT TO THE EMAIL THAT I FAILED TO PROOFREAD. PLEASE ACCEPT

Conclusion:

I am a worthy art professional full of professionalism and artistry. At no point during the making of this piece did I want to scream into the void or drastically alter my profession. Thank you for working with me. I shall sleep now!

Why Your Emotions are Volatile and Nobody Understands You: A Choose-Your-Own Adventure Game

Games are supposed to be relaxing and fun, right? Everyone likes games, right?? It’s not like a game’s ending could ever make you cry your heart out and question the way you’ve been living for the better part of your adult life, so let’s do this thing! C’mon grab your friends, it'll be FUN!

Without further ado, the following is a list of reasons why your emotions are volatile and nobody understands you. Choose the one that best suits your ADVENTURE!

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• BECAUSE THE WALLS YOU HAVE BUILT AROUND YOURSELF ARE SO HIGH AND IMPENETRABLE THAT IN ORDER TO BREACH THEM ONE WOULD NEED THE EMOTIONAL EQUIVALENT OF NAPALM

• BECAUSE YOU ARE LOATHE TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF TO ANYBODY EVER DUE TO A COMBINATION OF LAZINESS AND ABJECT FEAR

• BECAUSE YOU EXPECT OTHER PEOPLE TO BE UNDERSTANDING OF THE FACT THAT YOU SOMETIMES MAKE GODAWFUL DECISIONS, YET YOU DO NOT AFFORD THEM THE SAME PATIENCE IN RETURN

• BECAUSE YOU RESENT HAVING TO BE THE ONE WHO CALLS FIRST, ESPECIALLY SINCE THIS PERSON ALLEGEDLY SNUBBED YOU THAT ONE TIME 4 MONTHS AGO AT A PARTY SO THEY MUST HATE YOU FOREVER, IT COULDN’T BE THAT THEY WERE JUST TIRED THAT DAY

• BECAUSE YOU’VE FAILED TO REALIZE THAT YOU, LIKE EVERY OTHER HUMAN ADULT, REQUIRE OCCASIONAL / UNSOLICITED EXPRESSIONS OF LOVE AND APPRECIATION, YET YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO COMMUNICATE THIS TO OTHER ADULTS (WHO ALSO HAVE NO EFFING CLUE WHAT TO DO WITH THEIR FEELINGS)

• BECAUSE YOU LIVE IN SEATTLE, A CITY COMPRISED OF SOCIALLY RETARDED, WELL-MEANING INTROVERTS WHO ALL JUST NEED TO GET LAID

• BECAUSE EVERYONE IN YOUR LIFE (INCLUDING YOU) HAS THE EMOTIONAL MATURITY OF A JUDD APATOW CHARACTER, THEREFORE YOU REQUIRE AN EPIPHANY AND A SASSY BEST FRIEND TO HELP YOU GET OUT OF THIS FUNK

• BECAUSE YOU FEEL THE NEED TO THROW YOURSELF AT OTHER PEOPLE’S PROBLEMS EVEN THOUGH THEY NEVER ASKED YOU TO, THEN YOU GET ANGRY AT ALL THE GOODWILL YOU’VE WASTED ON THE UNGRATEFUL BASTARD WHO WON’T EVEN ACCEPT YOUR SAINTLY ASSISTANCE

• BECAUSE YOU AREN’T EATING ENOUGH KALE, HAVE YOU TRIED KALE? IT’S A SUPERFOOD ALSO CHIA SEEDS — HAVE YOU TRIED CHIA SEEDS? ST. JOHN’S WORT? GETTING LAID??

• BECAUSE YOU FOOLISHLY BELIEVE THAT CALLING FIRST AND PLANNING A SOCIAL EVENT SOMEHOW SIGNALS THAT YOU ARE DESPERATE AND LACKING IN FRIENDS, THUS YOU HAVE DECIDED TO STAY IN AND BINGE-WATCH TEN EPISODES OF “ARCHER” CUZ THAT’S WHAT GROWNUPS DO ON A SUNDAY

• BECAUSE YOU AREN’T GETTING ENOUGH SUNSHINE AND VITAMIN D — OH THAT’S RIGHT YOU LIVE IN SEATTLE — HAHAHAHA YEAH OKAY GOOD LUCK WITH THAT

• PERHAPS YOU ARE GLUTEN OR PEANUT OR ALCOHOL INTOLERANT? BUT EVEN IF YOU'RE ABLE TO INHALE EVERY EDIBLE THING IN EXISTENCE LIKE A HUMAN GARBAGE DISPOSAL YOU SHOULD STILL GET THAT CHECKED OUT, I DUNNO MAN I’M JUST SAYIN’

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Moment of truth: Which answer did you pick? Your choice will determine the fate of your character’s path—

Oh wait never mind, you lost the game because there is no good answer. Better luck next time!

(Did you at least learn something about yourself? Okay, now go improve your interpersonal relationships!)