Games are supposed to be relaxing and fun, right? Everyone likes games, right?? It’s not like a game’s ending could ever make you cry your heart out and question the way you’ve been living for the better part of your adult life, so let’s do this thing! C’mon grab your friends, it'll be FUN!
Without further ado, the following is a list of reasons why your emotions are volatile and nobody understands you. Choose the one that best suits your ADVENTURE!
BECAUSE THE WALLS YOU HAVE BUILT AROUND YOURSELF ARE SO HIGH AND IMPENETRABLE THAT IN ORDER TO BREACH THEM ONE WOULD NEED THE EMOTIONAL EQUIVALENT OF NAPALM
BECAUSE YOU ARE LOATHE TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF TO ANYBODY EVER DUE TO A COMBINATION OF LAZINESS AND ABJECT FEAR
BECAUSE YOU EXPECT OTHER PEOPLE TO BE UNDERSTANDING OF THE FACT THAT YOU SOMETIMES MAKE GODAWFUL DECISIONS, YET YOU DO NOT AFFORD THEM THE SAME PATIENCE IN RETURN
BECAUSE YOU RESENT HAVING TO BE THE ONE WHO CALLS FIRST, ESPECIALLY SINCE THIS PERSON ALLEGEDLY SNUBBED YOU THAT ONE TIME 4 MONTHS AGO AT A PARTY SO THEY MUST HATE YOU FOREVER, IT COULDN’T BE THAT THEY WERE JUST TIRED THAT DAY
BECAUSE YOU’VE FAILED TO REALIZE THAT YOU, LIKE EVERY OTHER HUMAN ADULT, REQUIRE OCCASIONAL / UNSOLICITED EXPRESSIONS OF LOVE AND APPRECIATION, YET YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO COMMUNICATE THIS TO OTHER ADULTS (WHO ALSO HAVE NO EFFING CLUE WHAT TO DO WITH THEIR FEELINGS)
BECAUSE YOU LIVE IN SEATTLE, A CITY COMPRISED OF SOCIALLY RETARDED, WELL-MEANING INTROVERTS WHO ALL JUST NEED TO GET LAID
BECAUSE EVERYONE IN YOUR LIFE (INCLUDING YOU) HAS THE EMOTIONAL MATURITY OF A JUDD APATOW CHARACTER, THEREFORE YOU REQUIRE AN EPIPHANY AND A SASSY BEST FRIEND TO HELP YOU GET OUT OF THIS FUNK
BECAUSE YOU FEEL THE NEED TO THROW YOURSELF AT OTHER PEOPLE’S PROBLEMS EVEN THOUGH THEY NEVER ASKED YOU TO, THEN YOU GET ANGRY AT ALL THE GOODWILL YOU’VE WASTED ON THE UNGRATEFUL BASTARD WHO WON’T EVEN ACCEPT YOUR SAINTLY ASSISTANCE
BECAUSE YOU AREN’T EATING ENOUGH KALE, HAVE YOU TRIED KALE? IT’S A SUPERFOOD ALSO CHIA SEEDS — HAVE YOU TRIED CHIA SEEDS? ST. JOHN’S WORT? GETTING LAID??
BECAUSE YOU FOOLISHLY BELIEVE THAT CALLING FIRST AND PLANNING A SOCIAL EVENT SOMEHOW SIGNALS THAT YOU ARE DESPERATE AND LACKING IN FRIENDS, THUS YOU HAVE DECIDED TO STAY IN AND BINGE-WATCH TEN EPISODES OF “ARCHER” CUZ THAT’S WHAT GROWNUPS DO ON A SUNDAY
BECAUSE YOU AREN’T GETTING ENOUGH SUNSHINE AND VITAMIN D — OH THAT’S RIGHT YOU LIVE IN SEATTLE — HAHAHAHA YEAH OKAY GOOD LUCK WITH THAT
PERHAPS YOU ARE GLUTEN OR PEANUT OR ALCOHOL INTOLERANT? BUT EVEN IF YOU'RE ABLE TO INHALE EVERY EDIBLE THING IN EXISTENCE LIKE A HUMAN GARBAGE DISPOSAL YOU SHOULD STILL GET THAT CHECKED OUT, I DUNNO MAN I’M JUST SAYIN’
Moment of truth: Which answer did you pick? Your choice will determine the fate of your character’s path—
Oh wait never mind, you lost the game because there is no good answer. Better luck next time!
(Did you at least learn something about yourself? Okay, now go improve your interpersonal relationships!)
